The House of Coffins

This is the English version of a play that I had to write for my French 3 class. I co-wrote this with a girl in my class, so I can't claim complete credit for this. You might not like it, but my French teacher did, she thought is was too cute. I shall warn you write no, it is really odd, strange, and dramatic, but it was a lot of fun to write. There, you have been warned, now you can't blame me for whatever reasons. Please tell me what you think, thanks!
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Cast:
Dracula Jr. III- Vampire in love with GF, The House of Coffins is his family resturant

GF- Girlfriend (what an orignal name, right? In the verison we turned in, we used out real names, I was the girlfriend and my friend was the waitress, but I don't want to post our real names on the web, so I'm using the name we orginaly gave her) She is annoying and an airhead

Dracula- the original Dracula, and don't you dare suggest that he isn't. He hates humans for the sole reason that the continously insult him with their flimmsy protrayal of him in cheesey films.

Serveuse- Waitress, in love with Dracula Jr. III, who doesn't see her as anything other than a servant

Chez Cercueil
(The House of Coffins)

Dracula Jr. III- Voila! Welcome to my family’s restaurant, the House of Coffins.

GF- Oh la la! What a cute name!

Dracula Jr. III smirks and they walk in together. They sit down at a table and the Serveuse comes up to them. She has their menus with her.

Serveuse- Oh! Dracula Jr. III! What a pleasant surprise. And…she is?

Dracula Jr. III- My girlfriend.

Serveuse- (mad) Oh…Here are your menus. Uh…Bon appetite

She leaves.

GF- What horror…nice service. (Rolls eyes)

Dracula Jr. III- (holds GF’s hand) Now lets see what we should feast on tonight.

Chef appears

Chef- Bonjour. My name is Count Dracula I. I despise humans but they are very tasty. I like long walks on a moonlit beach. I think humans are ugly. Because they make bad movies about me.

GF looks confused. Dracula Jr. III laughs

Dracula Jr. III- You’re so funny Grandpa. Isn’t he dear?

GF- (laughs) absolutely hilarious

Chef- (humph) How can I help you two?

GF orders vegetarian dishes.

Chef- (whispers) she’s bizarre.

Dracula Jr. III- Shhh… (orders bloody steak)

Chef leaves and talks to Serveuse.

Chef- Look, she’s human and she’s trying to steal your man! Kill her!

Serveuse- Yes, Your Countness (Walks away with an evil laugh) No one steals my man!

Takes food to Dracula Jr. III and GF

Serveuse- Here is what your ordered. Your bloody steak and salad. And your drinks.

Secretly puts poison in drink.

Serveuse- Special drink from the chef.

GF smiles but doesn’t drink it.

GF- (to Dracula Jr. III) I love you.

Dracula Jr. III: No, I love you more.

Repeats several times. Serveuse notices that GF isn’t drinking the poison.

Serveuse- Maybe I should expose him for who he really is so that she will leave him.

Goes up to them. Would you like a picture of your wonderful night?

GF- Oh, yes, please!

Dracula Jr. III- Wait a minutes…

Serveuse snaps picture.

Dracula Jr. III- MY EYES! (Grabs Camera and knocks over the red wine onto Serveuse)

Serveuse screams and starts melting.

Serveuse - (crawls away) I’M MELTING!

Dracula Jr. III-Ha ha. Yes that’s my cousin. I have a funny family, yes?

GF- Yes, your family’s from the circus. Would you like some garlic bread?

Dracula Jr. III- (hisses) No!

GF looks confused.

GF- Ok honey.

Starts eating.

GF- I wonder if my make up is running.

Takes out mirror and puts it on the table. She notices that the Dracula Jr. III has no reflection in it.

GF- Excuse me darling.

Drops mirror accidentally and it breaks.

Dracula Jr. III- You’ve got 13 years bad luck now

GF- Oh.

GF goes to restroom and takes out a cross. She throws tap water on it and prays

GF- Help me Lord! Please!

Chef bursts in with a bloody knife.

Chef: You killed my future daughter in law! Now die!

Attempts to bite her. GF holds out cross.

GF- No!

Chef hisses and melts. Dracula Jr. III hears scream and comes to the restroom..

Dracula Jr. III- I heard a scream, what happened? (sees Chef) You! You killed my Grandfather!

GF- You’re a vampire?! I can’t believe you’re an ugly, nasty, disgusting vampire!

She starts to run but Dracula Jr. III catches her.

Dracula Jr. III- You think vampires are ugly? I shall curse you for the rest of your life!

He bite GF. (evil Laugh) Muwhahahaha……

Wahahahahaha, go vampires! I thought that was really cute and funny. I can see why ur teacher liked it!!

Haha, hilarious.
I want to read it in French!

I'd post it, but not everyone here can read french, so I don't want people mad at me. I'll ask, and see if its ok! Thanks for telling me what you think! I'm glad you liked it!

That was good! I really liked the story. It's really hard to write short stories (at least I think) and have a nice, even plot.

Go vampires!

French Version

Jr. de Dracula III Voila ! Bienvenue à mon restaurant de famille, la Chambre des cercueils. GF- oh La de La ! Quel nom mignon ! Les sourires affectés et eux de Jr. III de Dracula marchent dedans ensemble. Ils s'asseyent à une table et le Serveuse monte à eux. Elle a leurs menus avec elle. Serveuse- oh ! Jr. de Dracula III ! Quelle surprise plaisante. Et… elle est ? Jr. de Dracula III ma amie. Serveuse- (fou) oh… voici vos menus. Appétit de fève d'Uh… Elle part. GF- quel service gentil d'horreur…. (Yeux de Rolls) Le Jr. de Dracula III (main de prises GF) laisse maintenant voir ce que nous devrions nous régaler de ce soir. Le chef apparaît Chef Bonjour. Mon nom est compte Dracula I. Je dédaigne des humains mais ils sont très savoureux. J'aime de longues promenades sur une plage moonlit. Je pense que les humains sont laids. Puisqu'ils font de mauvais films au sujet de moi. GF semble confus. Rires de Jr. III de Dracula Jr. de Dracula III vous êtes grand-papa tellement drôle. N'est-il pas cher ? GF- (rires) absolument hilare Le chef (humph) comment ose je vous aident deux ? GF commande les plats végétariens. Chef (chuchotements) elle est bizarre. Jr. de Dracula III Shhh… (bifteck sanglant d'ordres) Feuilles et entretiens de chef à Serveuse. Regard de chef, elle est humaine et elle essaye de voler votre homme ! Tuez-la ! Serveuse- oui, votre Countness (promenades loin avec un rire mauvais) personne vole mon homme ! Nourriture de prises au Jr. de Dracula III et GF Serveuse- ici est ce qui votre commandé. Votre bifteck et salade sanglants. Et vos boissons. Met secrètement le poison dans la boisson. Boisson spéciale de Serveuse- du chef. Les sourires de GF mais ne la boit pas. GF- (à Jr. de Dracula III) je t'aime. Jr. de Dracula III : Pas, je t'aime plus. Répète plusieurs fois. Serveuse note que GF ne boit pas le poison. Serveuse- peut-être je devrais l'exposer pour qui il est vraiment de sorte qu'elle le laisse. Monte à eux. Vous aiment une image de votre nuit merveilleuse ? GF- oh, oui, svp ! Attente de Jr. III de Dracula minutes… Serveuse casse l'image. Jr. de Dracula III MES YEUX ! (Appareil-photo et coups d'encavateurs au-dessus du vin rouge sur Serveuse) Fonte de cris perçants et de débuts de Serveuse. Serveuse - (rampements loin) je FONDS ! Jr. III-Ha ha de Dracula. Oui c'est mon cousin. J'ai une famille drôle, oui ? GF- oui, votre famille du cirque. Vous aiment du pain d'ail ? No. de Jr. III de Dracula (sifflements) ! GF semble confus. GF- approuvez le miel. Consommation de débuts. GF- la merveille d'I si mon composez fonctionne. Sort le miroir et le met sur la table. Elle note que le Jr. de Dracula III n'a aucune réflexion dans elle. GF- excusez-moi chéri. Les baisses reflètent accidentellement et elle se casse. Jr. de Dracula III vous avez 13 ans de mauvaise chance maintenant GF- oh. GF va aux toilettes et sort une croix. Elle jette l'eau du robinet là-dessus et prie GF- aidez-moi seigneur ! Svp ! Le chef éclate dedans avec un couteau sanglant. Chef : Vous avez tué ma future fille ! Mourez maintenant ! Tentatives de la mordre. GF donne la croix. GF- non ! Sifflements et fontes de chef. Le Jr. de Dracula III entend le cri perçant et vient aux toilettes. Le Jr. de Dracula III que j'ai entendu un cri perçant, ce qui s'est produit ? (voit le chef) vous ! Vous avez tué mon père ! GF- vous êtes un vampire ? ! Je ne peux pas croire que vous êtes un vampire laid, méchant, répugnant ! Elle commence à courir mais le Jr. de Dracula III l'attrape. Jr. de Dracula III que vous pensez que les vampires sont laids ? Je vous maudirai pour le reste de votre vie ! Il mordent GF. (rire mauvais) Muwhahahaha ...... L'EXTRÉMITÉ

Some of that doesn't make grammatical sense.
Did you use a translator?

Quel nom mignon!

What name cute!

Yeah, a translator.

Ah, je comprend.
Translators aren't reliable unless you only use them for a few words.
Thanks a bunch though.

Hey big sis if i was in that play i think my name would be mud.

this was brougth to you by kratos the dark knight...

FEAR ME!

That was good! I just took one year of french. Technically it was half. We did a restaurant thing and I was the kinda ditsy waitress. It wasn't half that good.
I read the french part, too. c'est bon!

I'm not that good at french

FFFFFFFFUUUUNNNNYYY!!!!

Awesome! I really liked it! But I did have a problem when you brought in the religion. I don't know why. But I did.

But still, awesome play!! Lol. I want to see it be acted out.

Ahh, I didn't realize until now that you pointed that out, that we shouldn't have put religion in here. It's just that, there's so many stories of vampires being killed with crosses and holy water, we were thinking of that when we wrote this. No offense was meant at all towards any religion. I'm very, very sorry!

And you really do not want to see me and my friend act it out. We were sooo bad at it. The teacher kept cracking up every time I said my line because, according to her, I was too cute at acting like an airhead. It was soo embarrassing.

It's okay. If you didn't mean to, it's okay.

Oh wait, you HAD to act it out? I didn't know that. I was just thinking of like some random people acting it out or something. But still, LOL. My teachers would have been... well... would have been them.

*laughs hard*
That was funnyyyy!! xD