Life and Death

it's tomorrow morning and if anyone's wondering... i did in fact get some sleep.. not easily... but i did. anyways I thought I would also post this story I wrote for school in case anyone took in interest. it's a short story but it is quite long so if you can make it through props to you! you should note there is some "mature subject matter" but it was for school so there is no language i can think of and the whole thing is pretty tame. hopefully you'll enjoy! (ps the songs it was based off of are at the bottom of the story)

story available on demand! ps: continuation may or may not happen. i have parts of it but i'm having some trouble getting stuff the way i want it. currently i am working harder on my "untitled sci-fi ish story. actually currently i'm watching Community online. but I plan to continue work on my untitled sci-fi ish story. i may put up chapter 1 right now!

Ok don't get too excited yet, I haven't read it. But I'm just posting to tell you I will so when a few days pass you won't get disappointed that no one read it. I just have a lot of critique work to do because of all the critique buddies I have. But I'm making you a promise that I'll come on here and read it when I can

hey hazel no worries if no one reads it! i put it up here because it's an already completed-ish story that people could critique if they had time, but it's totally fine if you just can't find the time as well! thanks for all the critiques on g7 and for posting your story as well.. i'm really loving yours!

I read the first few paragraphs. I really liked the first sentence, it was hooking. Made you want to figure out what had happened to the kid.
I'll probably read the rest in a week or so. I'm heading off for vacation tomorrow, though, so you might have to remind me. d:

Wow.
Wonderful. I got hooked on the first sentence. I loved how you painted a picture in my mind. It is truly remarkable.

Though I did find some mistakes: one of them was the paragraph spacing. In my opinion there were some points in the story that seemed bunched together; creating a new paragraph might change that. Another thing was you missed some words. I'm guilty of it too! You should get someone to look over what you wrote every time you have something because in your mind you see whatever you have written as what you want.

Other than what I just stated your short story was fantastic and very sad. I wanted Joey and Julie to end up together happy for the rest of their life. But not every story has a happy ending (:

Well, there is my opinion. Hope it said something to you other than me just rambling lol (thats what I think I'm doing )

hey brokenheart thanks so much for the comments!
first off: yes i am prone to faulty paragraph spacing. i really need to be taught a lesson on that because i tend to mulch everything together. i will read it over and fix that!
second off: missing words i will look for as well! i didn't let anyone else read this story except my english teacher because i'm from a very conservative town and stuff like this (even though its pretty tame) does not tend to fly.
third off: i don't know if i've mentioned i'm thinking of doing a continuation. right now i have about six other stories i want to write.. but i keep coming back to this one. the story is very self-contained, but i have ideas about how to make what i think would be a good continuation.
fourth off: you should know that the plot of the story is based off run joey run and so that first line which everyone so loves is actually from the song many parts of the story are actually song lyrics (our story had to have clear inspiration.. so this was my way of doing it)

anyways many thanks for the comments they are very helpful! (my only teacher's comment for the story was "wow" it made me smile that you put that first.) i wasn't sure if the story was good or not though. i really liked the premise of it but i wasn't sure how my details were. and now i'm rambling! let me know if you ever want me to give something a read-over... all the stuff i've read on here is fantastic (maybe we should start a publishing company? )

LOL sure (: that would be interesting.

Also, if you continue that would be AMAZING! I fell in love with Joey, haha. I want to know how he is dealing with everything. There is so many ways to continue this! I loved it (as I have said before).

Awwww D:
Sad ending D:

Lol, a boy's solution to every relationship problem: sex. Haha made me laugh

Even though I hate sad endings, it did make the story more beautiful in a way. I liked it, it was cute, endearing, and sweet in the beginning. And there there was a little foreshadowing in the middle to get a little suspense. And then it was just sad. I thought the details were pretty good, things seemed to happen a little too fast though. I know it's a short story so maybe that's why. You also mixed up past and present tense a few times though I can't remember the exact spots. I'm sure you'll see it if you read through it again.

Loved it!

i officially started a continuation of this a few hours ago. it isn't going to get much happier, though. sorry! ha. in response to hazel:
1. the tenses thing? it's a big big problem for me. whenever someone edits my work, they mention tenses, and i read it over and have no idea (am i tense deaf?) so i'm super sorry about that! something in my head doesn't keep them straight. if you read the continuation or any of my other stories.. brace yourself for many-a-mixed-up-tense.
2. i have thought about going back and adding more scenes/details to the story. it just had to be less because it was a short story that was supposed to be 4 pages for school and ended up being 13. so i tried to cut it down to bare minimum.. i may go back and add a bit or i will add extra scenes into the continuation of joey and julie together (there definitely will be a few but in a weird way...) and the happening fast thing as well.. as i was writing it things seemed to move too quickly but again, page limit/time limit those sorts of things came into play. i will go back and give it a read/alter some details/work on continuing it!
thanks always for your comments! (and yes.. those boys are real problem solvers aren't they? ha ha.)

***UPDATE***: so i am in fact working on a continuation - however it has two major plot lines running through it and I don't know exactly when/where i'm going to intertwine them. so i'm going to write the entire thing and then post it up here... it will be a while though i am making good progress on it. anyways, just in case anyone wanted to know i figured i should say. have a good one!