A different Artemis

I know that it has to be fixed up..alot but i just wrote it cause I was extreamly bored. I'm not quite finished but if you could tell me what you think that would be awesome!!


Jane Harper is a 13 year old girl that lives in Tampa, Florida. She is a daughter to one of the most notorious criminal mastermind in all of the United States. Jane is starting to get bored of staying home with her mother all day. She wants to go into the family business. But her father thinks it is too dangerous for her. But that wouldn’t stop Jane from joining the business behind her fathers back.
Jane has a bodyguard, ever since she was born. Her bodyguard is on of the best, graduated in from the ‘classified’ school in the top of her class. Mary Jane Sharp is her name, M.J for short. And since M.J has to go everywhere with Jane, she’s about to regret becoming a bodyguard in the first place.
“Jane, why must we always go steal from the buildings with the most security?” asked M.J driving on the way to the art gallery.
“Because I like the challenge and the adrenalin rush.” Jane replied checking her watch to make sure that all security guards were out of the building.
“But I have a bad feeling about this one, like we aren’t going to get out safe.” Usually M.J was right, which made Jane very uncomfortable.
“Just relax. We will be fine, trust me.” Jane was getting irritated.
“You know that I trust you, I just don’t like the fact that we have to steal. Why cant we just buy the painting, I know for a fact that your father has enough money too” M.J questioned. Jane looked up from her laptop and at that moment M.J knew that she better shut up. Or her next word would be her last.
“We’re here.” M.J said pulling into the parking lot.
“What are you doing in the front, go into the back where no one can see us!” Jane knew that M.J didn’t like the idea of stealing, but who cares. For Jane it was all she knew. “Go into the back, next to that shed”
“Why do we always have to park in the back, someone could just jump into the car and kill us”
At that moment, as if it was a queue, someone jumped into the back of the car.
“DRIVE” said the mysterious person
“Dude this is the last car you want to get into trust me” said M.J
“I SAID DRIVE”
“Alright you asked for it, Jane cover your head” M.J jumped into the back of the car and hit the man on his neck and he was out cold in 10 seconds.
“See what I mean, can we park in the front from now on” M.J said pulling the unconscious man from the car.
“Um, let me think about it” M.J knew exactly what Jane was going to say “NO”

The item that Jane had her eye on was a 19th century painting. Jane fell in love with the painting when she was on a trip to England for the annual art convention. Once she found out that the paintings home was in Florida, Jane had to have it hanging in the Harper manor. But this would be the most challenging robbery that she will face, because someone else has there eye on the 19th century painting. Someone with unlimited technology beyond ours.

***

Artemis Fowl and Butler are on there way to Florida. Artemis saw a painting in an art gallery not too long ago. He noticed some unusual markings and took a photo of the painting. And ever since then he has wished for that painting to be in the Fowl manor so he could look into it more.
“So Artemis, what is so special about this painting?” Butler was curious, which was unusual because Artemis would always tell him. When he needed too.
“Well old friend, this painting show’s where most of the fairy power is hidden; I don’t even have to go underground. And I can hack into that and use it for my own advantage.” Artemis was excited to be able to have some fairy power for himself, without feeling guilty for stealing.
“Why don’t we just use some of the technology that we took from Foaly? He doesn’t mind”
“Foaly will be able to track down all the power we steal from those helmets. So if we take it from a clean source then he won’t be able to know what we will be using the technology for.”
Butler didn’t want to ask what he was using to power for, but he was curious for some reason so he had to ask. But he knew he wouldn’t like the answer. “What exactly are you using the technology for?”
“I’m glad you asked old friend. I’m going to connect it to our security system and then make the Fowl manor ‘untouchable’ as you could say. And Foaly won’t be able to find out what I’m doing inside.”
”Is that all, or is there more?” Butler was afraid that this was the part that he wouldn’t like.
“In all good time my friend. You will know soon enough”
“Approaching Tampa International, please buckle up.” The voice on the plane didn’t sound like the pilot. It was female and our pilot was male.
“Something is wrong. Our pilot is male. I know that I hired him myself. Who’s flying my plane?” thought Artemis.
Butler jumped up as soon as he heard the voice. Pulled out his gun and walked toward the cockpit. “Stay here Artemis, and keep your head down.”

***

Jane was outside the art gallery waiting for the signal from M.J so she could start to pick the lock once the alarm was disarmed.
“M.J you’re the best in the business, how come it’s taking so long?”
“Well for one thing. This building has the highest security in Tampa. And you want me to break-in in less than 60 seconds! That’s impossible!”
“Its not impossible, just hit a couple wires with a knife and you’re in, not that hard!” Jane was getting really irritated about the whole situation.
“Well with you yelling at me isn’t helping very much”
“Alright fine. I’ll leave you alone.”
10 seconds later M.J got the alarm off and gave Jane the signal. Jane quickly picked the lock and checked for lasers. You could never be too careful with theses buildings. They were packed to capacity with security features! Once Jane secured the area she headed for the painting.
“There it is M.J, the most beautiful painting on the face of the Earth.”
“I still don’t understand what’s so special about it, it’s just a painting.” M.J knew that what she said was stupid. Once she looked at her ‘principal’s’ face and saw the fire in them. M.J shut up and agreed with what Jane said.
“Try and get it off the wall, without touching the painting itself.”
“How will I do that? Grab it by a magic wire?”
“You could try that. Or just pick it up by the frame!” Jane was getting very angry at M.J because she is starting to get annoying.
“You know what; you should be nice to me. I am the one that knows all your secretes.”
“That’s true. But if you exposed them, you would be in as much trouble as me. Because you are the one allowing it to happen.”
Jane was right. She would lose her job and go to prison., for all the things that Jane and M.J did.

Nice work! I might not even be able to tell the difference between thisw and Eoin Colfer if it weren't for 1 thing: The bad grammar. Do you want me to Beta it?

Please, I would love that. I'm trying to work on it, but its not going so well lol. I also posted a story called Samantha Brown please read and comment =]

First of all, Diffrent is supposed to be Different. When you are writing a story be sure to spell check the title. It's the first impression a person has of the story and it better be good. If this site wasn't about critiquing other people's work then I would never have read it.
Secondly, your dialogue is great. You do need some work on your descriptions. Instead of telling the reader something outright describe it to them

Jane Harper is a 13 year old girl that lives in Tampa, Florida. She is a daughter to one of the most notorious criminal mastermind in all of the United States. Jane is starting to get bored of staying home with her mother all day. She wants to go into the family business. But her father thinks it is too dangerous for her. But that wouldn’t stop Jane from joining the business behind her fathers back.

Take that passage, for instance. If you do just want to state something outright try to do it in a creative form. Colfer placed the outright statements like that in a Psychiatric report, which made it more realistic and interesting to read. As an added bonus it set a sort of mood for the story. We know that Artemis has needed Psychiatric assistance, we know that others can't figure him out and it sets the mood for the story. The official report helps us get used to an official sort of boy, and it shows us the originality of the story. The psychiatrist can't understand Artemis, so the real world can't understand him either. Right from the beginning we know that we're in for an original story.
Otherwise, try to show it more. Maybe start off in an action scene that gets the reader to understand a bit about how this girl works and explain it later.

As for the part about her father, once again try to be more creative. You could show it through dialogue or thoughts. Passing thoughts, maybe.

That's all I'll crit for now. Good work and keep it up.

*chuckles* Very nice.

Chapter 3...
M.J hasn’t moved in the past 10 minutes, and she was getting tired. “How much longer till you get this pressure sensor off? I’m getting tired.”
“Just another couple seconds, I promise.”
“It better be cause I’m about to collapse”
“You better not, there is no way I’m carrying you out of here if you collapse and set off the alarm.”
“All you have to do is turn off the power to that wall, and then you will be able to disarm the sensor” said a mysterious voice from the shadows.
“That’s what I was going to do”
“Jane, I need you to trade spots with me” said M.J
“Wait, who are you?” asked Jane.
“What the better question is, is why do want this painting” asked the mysterious voice.
“Because it’s the most beautiful painting in the entire world” Jane explained.
“Is that the only reason?” asked the voice
“Yes, what is your reason for being here?” asked Jane noticing that the mysterious person was not alone.
“Because I want that painting.” Said the person
“Jane, I need you to come behind me NOW” yelled M.J
“Don’t worry; I’m not going to hurt anyone. All I want is that painting.” Said the person, shutting off the power to the wall.
“Bad move dude” said M.J jumping to attack the mysterious man. Butler realizing what was happening he grabbed M.J by the neck before she could touch Artemis.
“Now why did you have to do that, I helped you. And then you come and try to attack me. I don’t get it.” Said Artemis.
“Who are you, and why do you want this painting. And can you put my bodyguard down please I will talk.” Said Jane
“Alright, Butler” and Butler put her down as reguested “Now I need to know who you are, Jane I presume.”
“Yes and you are?” Then the mysterious person stepped into the light revealing his face “Artemis Fowl, I’ve heard about you”
“A lot of people have”
“Now why have you come all the way from Ireland for a painting? There has to be something special about it”
“It’s only because I enjoy art, and I want that painting in my manor.”
“Well, so do I. Why don’t you just take some pictures of it and then we both can have it”
“Well Jane, may I call you Jane?”
“No, it’s Ms. Harper”
“Ok, Ms. Harper, why don’t you take pictures and I’ll keep the painting”
“That’s not going to happen”
"I think it will. Butler, Juliet, get the painting”
“Sorry Miss.” Said Butler and Juliet simultaneously. Grabbing the painting away from Jane.
“HEY!! You can’t do that” screamed Jane
“Actually I can, and I just did” Artemis said smiling his evil grin.
“Listen little kid, I usually don’t hurt anyone. And I don’t like to, but you just stole a painting from Jane, and I can’t tolerate that.” M.J said standing up trying to catch her breath.
“Well if you want it, then you will have to talk that over with Butler and Juliet”
“So, what you going to do?” Questioned Butler
“I’ll take out the girl then I’ll take you” M.J sounded confident, but she didn’t have a chance. M.J tried to kick Juliet in the face but Juliet blocked it sending M.J into the wall. Then Juliet hit two pressure points in M.J’s arm and leg. Making it extremely hard for her to get up. “I’m sorry I didn’t want to hurt you, but you gave me no choice” Juliet was trying to be nice.
“You know what. We will meet again, and I will be the one looking down on you” M.J said wiping blood from her chin.
“Alright, what ever you say”
“Lets go Butler” Artemis took one last look at Jane and M.J, he actually felt bad for what he did.
“Just wait Artemis, I’ll get the painting back, just wait” Jane helped M.J on to her feet, and then Artemis left.

***

Back at the Fowl manor Butler was examining the painting very closely, trying to figure out where the ‘map’ was. But he could not locate it, only Artemis would know where to look. “Artemis, I don’t see anything on here that shows a map”
“Well old friend, its not that hard to see” explained Artemis “the gnomish explains it all, it says that there is a place in Ireland that the People get there power from. And if I can hack into it then the Fowl residence will be ‘untouchable’ as I already explained.”
“Alright just where is this ‘unlimited power source’ you speak of?” Butler asked.
“That’s the problem I don’t exactly know where it is”
“So we are going to be on a wild goose chase?” asked Juliet
“Pretty much” Artemis said taking the painting into his room.
“I don’t trust you in your room with that Artemis” yelled Butler right before Artemis slammed the door to his room.
“Father? What are you doing in my room?” asked Artemis quickly shoving the painting into his closet.
“I’m worried about you son, I don’t want you to end up like me” replied his father.
“Father, I’m not going to end up like you, don’t worry about me, if I’m doing something that you don’t approve of, Butler will tell you” said Artemis, trying to get his father out of his room before he sees the painting or any other fairy equipment.
“Alright son, I’ll talk everything over with Butler.”
Artemis was afraid that Butler might say something about what there doing “Very well father” Artemis said as his father was leaving his room.
“I love you son” whispered Artemis’s father
“I love you too” could this be the new Artemis showing? Has he really changed? But before he could figure out his feelings he took the painting out from the closet and concentrated on the painting.

Whoa! Nice! You should really become a real-life author. I've never seen a FanFiction better than this one.

Repitition, my dear. No more than one noun your describing, it takes away from the good description.

Chapter 4...
Jane was furious; some kid just stole her painting. “This is unacceptable; I should have seen this coming” said Jane walking up to the manors doors.
“How, there was no way for you to know that Artemis was going to show up, and want the same exact painting as you” said M.J opening the door
“I know; it’s just so frustrating. I should have been ready!”
“There is no way anyone can be ready for a genus like Artemis Fowl.”
“What are you implying?” Jane was now in a rage “Are you saying my intellect isn’t as high as Artemis Fowl?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying” M.J was trying to lie to Jane but that wasn’t going to well.
“You think Artemis is smarter than me don’t you?” Jane was in M.Js face screaming, but that was a challenge because M.J was 1 foot taller than Jane, “I’ll show you how smart I am just wait.” Jane ran up the stairs and slammed the door to the office. “I can’t believe that M.J thinks Artemis is better than me! I am smarter than that Fowl boy, I’ll show he! I’ll show everyone that I have as much intelligence as Artemis!” thought Jane.

***
Artemis has been in his room for over 2 hours, not even Butler wanted to disturb him. But Juliet was curious; she wanted to know what the 13 year old genus was doing in his room. So she ventured up stairs to Artemis’s room and pressed her ear against the door.
“Who ever is on my door, please come in. I despise people who eavesdrop.”
Juliet was surprised that Artemis knew that she was outside his door. “Alright Arty, can I come in”
There was silence for a few moments, and then the door opened “Hello Juliet”
“How did you know it was me?” Juliet was surprised.
“I have cameras outside my door, and the TV that’s it connected to is in my room” Artemis explained. “And you are the only one to be wearing an all black Armani suit with a jade hair tie.”
“That’s true. What you doing in here?”
“Just studding the painting” Artemis reached for a book on the second shelf of a book case. Once the book was fully out of the shelf a wall slid back to reveal a secrete wall.
“That was amazingly cool!!” yelled Juliet
“Be quiet!! I don’t want anyone to hear.”
“Oh you mean your parents?” asked Juliet
“Yes, I don’t know what my parents would do if they found out about this wall”
“What about this wall that you don’t want me to know” said a voice in the shadows of the door, Artemis quickly replaced the book.
“Hello” Artemis was afraid that one of his parents had seen the wall.
The door opened more to reveal a shadowy figure “What do you not want your parents..er..me to know?”
Juliet realized that the figure in the door was shorter that Mr. Fowl and taller that Ms. Fowl, she quickly jumped in front of Artemis “Who are you?”
“You should know who I am Juliet. And you to Artemis”
Juliet was confused, who was this figure that knew who they were.


(Not long this time, but I'm still working)

Jane was in the study. Plotting. “I want that painting back” thought Jane “But there is no way for me to get it back. That Fowl boy will be waiting for me to come” Her thoughts were interrupted by M.J walking into the room.
“May I come in?” M.J was afraid that Jane was still mad at her for ‘challenging her intellect’.
“I suppose”
M.J walked into the room expecting all the five computers on, all the lights to be on, and Jane sitting in front of the huge 75 inch plasma screen TV. But only one computer was on and only one light was on and Jane was sitting in front of it “what are you doin’?”
“Nothing of your concern” Jane replied sternly
“Sorry for what I said about you and Artemis”
“I’m past that. I could care less about that at the moment”
“I just want you to like know that I’m like really sorry”
M.J’s improper language was starting to annoy Jane “How many times can you say like in a sentence?” Jane thought “I really need to teacher her how to speak English”
“Will you forgive me?”
“I have already. If I hadn’t then you would have never entered my study.”
“True”
“Now, I need your help with something”
“Anything.”
“Good! What I need is a plan”
M.J was curious; usually Jane made all the plans and she stood on the sidelines until the plan was put into action “A plan for what?”
“I need that painting. If Artemis came all the way from Ireland, then there must be something special about it”
“I know!” all M.J could think about was getting back at that Juliet “Will I be able to get that bodyguard?”
“The way I’m thinking, is that I’ll get my painting and you will be able to take out both of them” Jane had a weird look in her eye, and an evil smile that sent shivers down M.J’s back.

***

Artemis was still hiding behind Juliet, who was still confused about the whole situation. “Where’s Butler? He should be watching the screens now and noticing that I’m hiding behind Juliet. Where in the bloody hell is Butler?!?” Artemis was furious; his own bodyguard wasn’t there to guard his body!!
“I know exactly what you’re thinking” the figure chuckled “Your wondering where Butler is”
“How did you…”
“I know you better than you think. We’ve know each other for a few years; we’ve even done a lot of illegal thing together. Oh, by the way, Butler let me in.”
“The only person that Butler would let in my house, up to my room is…” Artemis thought for a while, then he realized there was only 3 people Butler trusted. One: Commander Root (but there was no way he was back from the dead). Two: Holly Short (This person was too tall to be Holly). And three: Foaly (the only person in the world that Artemis could have a conversation with). “Foaly?”
“The one and only!!” laughed Foaly walking into the room.
“How have you been old friend?” Artemis said shaking Foaly’s hand.
“Wonderful and yourself?” Foaly replied returning the hand shake
“Keeping busy.”
Juliet was surprised that Foaly came here “Hey Foaly” laughed Juliet hugging him
“Nice to see you Juliet”
“I have a question for you” said Artemis
“Alright, and I may have an answer”
Artemis laughed, he was happy that there was someone at the house that he could converse with. And have them understand everything he was saying “Can you obtain an address for me?”
“I can try, what’s their name?”

I think that this story is really good. I like how you create a character much like Artemis and then add her in. I really like it, it's a very entertaining piece of work!!

Jane wanted to get a plan figured out. But she had no idea how to create a plan without Artemis figuring out every last detail. “Artemis will find out some how, I know he will” Jane was in deep thought only to be interrupted by her mother yelling up the stairs “Jane darling, you have a visitor” Jane was curious, no one comes to visit her. Only the family psychiatrist which helps Jane through her guilt. The guilt from hiding all the crime she has committed.
“Coming Mother” screamed Jane closing out all the files on the laptop.

Jane ran down the stairs to see who was at the door. But as she reached the last step and peaked around the wall her face flushed and an evil glare started to form. The person at the door was Artemis Fowl and his two bodyguards. M.J was already there scowling at Juliet. How they hated each other. Jane fixed her complexion and her evil stare and stood next to M.J. “Artemis, I’m glad you found the place alright.” Jane said through gritted teeth.
“It wasn’t easy, but Butler here is one of the best drivers in the world” once Artemis finished his sentence he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder “I understand Butler”
“I hope you do.” Butler wanted Artemis to get to buisness so they could return home, before Mr. Fowl started wondering.
“Jane, do you have a place where we can talk in private?” questioned Artemis.
“Yes. We can go up to my study”
Jane’s mother was watching M.J glare at Juliet, but then her train of thought was interrupted by Artemis’s question “Darling, why the two of you talk down here?” Mrs. Harper wasn’t very fond of Jane and Artemis going up to the study.
“Oh mother we are only going to talk about school. And don’t worry, M.J and Artemis’s ‘friends’ will be up there with us.”
“Alright, I trust you” Mrs. Harper scowled at Artemis, and Artemis returned it. Not a very wise decision, but this would be the only trip to the Harper Manor that Artemis would ever make. “M.J keep an on this one please” whispered Mrs. Harper pointing at Artemis.
“Yes ma’am” replied M.J

Jane, Artemis and their bodyguards walked up to the study. Jane showed them to a large cherry table where they all gathered. Jane sat in front of Artemis with M.J at her side. Juliet sat next to Artemis, who sat in front of M.J. And Butler walked around the room for a while just to make sure it was secure, then he took a seat next to Artemis; glaring at Juliet who was in the middle of a staring contest with M.J.
“Will you’re parents be coming in here any time soon?” asked Artemis.
“No, this is my private study. No one comes in here except me and M.J” replied Jane
“Alright, now to business” Artemis’s stare was bone chilling “About the painting.”
“What about it, it’s in your house, and that means you won”
“I need you’re help”
“My help, with what?” Jane was curious, in fact everyone at the table was. M.J even lost the staring contest just to tune into what the two teenagers were talking about “You’re the amazing Artemis Fowl, your IQ is off the charts. And you want my help?”
“I’m taking the 'off the charts' IQ as a compliment, and yes I need your help locating something.”
“Locating what?”
“I’ll tell you that when I need to, but right now I’m going to explain something to you that you might not believe.” Butler looked at Artemis in disbelief, was he actually going to tell this girl, he just met, the secrete about the People?
“Artemis are you sure this is a good idea?” Butler questioned trying to talk the boy out of it.
“I’m not sure, but we will find out” smiled Artemis.

Very life-like. SPELLING SPELLING. Please be more careful with your grammer, young lady. *sighs* It makes this look ameture when it isn't.

Wow! This whole story is wonderful. It would be like a published book if your grammar was better.