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Don't say you love me

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BuddingTeenNovelist
Dark Princess
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VampireYuuki
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Post by VampireYuuki Mon Jun 30, 2008 9:59 pm

Ok, I wrote this in my ***** star notebook and filled up the entire thing, so I hope it was worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Barsalona (please please tell me if I spelled that wrong!) vampire 14 year old teenager Cain is put in to room at his fancy high school Moonlight Knight's academy with another boy, Rei. He quickly becomes friends with his new companion in a love-hate relationship. When he discovers his friend is suffering from hidden depression, he forms a plan to help him into a healthy relationship and sets him up with girl after girl until he finds out the truth. Enjoy, please!!


Last edited by VampireYuuki on Tue Jul 01, 2008 11:41 am; edited 1 time in total
VampireYuuki
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Post by Broken Heart Mon Jun 30, 2008 10:50 pm

Sounds interesting. But just a tip, explain the love-hate relationship. It will help all the readers to understand the story line more.

Come with me into another world where vampires live alongside humanity in secracy

This is just like the Twilight Zone; you could leave that out. My teacher told me that if you have somthing saying you're inviting someone somewhere in your intro, people will expect it to be written from a non-experienced writer.

By the way, its spelled Barcelona.

But it was an interesting intro. I would love to read more of the story =]
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Post by Hazel Tue Jul 01, 2008 2:46 am

Yes I agree that it sounds really interesting. I'd like to read the rest as well Very Happy
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Post by Moonlite Knight Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:02 am

I agree as well! Interesting Very Happy
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Post by carino Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:36 am

Sounds...I dunno.
I'd have to read it first.
I don't judge based on summaries/prologues.
By the way, it's secrecy.
And..it depends on what your vampires are like.
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Post by VampireYuuki Tue Jul 01, 2008 11:41 am

THANK YOU!! I couldn't find the spelling for Barcelons anywhere!!

Ok, the love-hate thing is like their really good friends, but they like to bug/insult each other alot.

secrecy, got it!!

*thinks for a sec* Eh, I'll just get rid of the sentence.

Thank you all very much for the help!!!!
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Post by Artemis F. Tue Jul 01, 2008 11:27 pm

Very nice, I see you are posting one of your masterpeices, no? I can't wait to read it.
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Post by VampireYuuki Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:00 am

Two fourteen-year-old boys resided in a dorm room together on a quiet sunday night, the only room lit out of all the others, "Only two people to a room, thats pretty good for this year." A burnette with shaggy bangs and crystal blue eyes wearily folded the last of his clothing into the last drawer in his dresser. He glanced over his shoulder, setting both of his hands against the cool wood, in a crouch on the carpeted floor. But my new room mate is giving me the creeps... "Are you finished? We need to get some sleep if we're going to class tomorrow." A solem boy with raven hair and golden eyes sat indian-style on his bed beside the door, smiling at his new companion. "Cain, why didn't you get changed while I was finishing up?" Cain rose from the bed with extreme grace, gliding over to his black dresser and pulling off his tie, "Because, Rei, thats why." Rei shook his head, lifting himself up. "Alright, I won't ask."

Rei unbuttoned his jacket and folded it into their laundry basket. Cain quickly stripped off his shirt, tossing it into the hamper and taking out a long white neck bandage. Rei blinked at a black X on the side of Cain's neck with loops around the edges and caught Cain's eye. Quickly tieing the bandage around the mark, Cain turned away. Rei cocked his head but kept silent. As he dropped his tie to the floor and pulled off his socks, Rei tripped on the long red tie. Before he hit the ground, Cain dropped the pin to hold his wrappings in place and sprinted to his side, catching his wrist and pulling him into his chest. Rei's face was pressed into Cain's rose-smelling shirt, his face turning red as his room mate's bandages slipped to the floor. Cain held his shoulders fast as Rei began to slide to the floor. "Hey, you okay?" Rei opened his eyes and nodded, staring at Cain's mark as he held him at elbow's length. Cain cocked an eyebrow, "Your blushing? Are you sick?" Rei's eyes widened and he pulled away, backing twords his bed, "N-No, I'm okay," he stumbled to his sheets, hiding his face in the comforter as Cain crossed his arms, "Well, night!" Cain shook his head and flicked off the light, striding to his own bed. He retied his wrappings, collapsing into his blankets.

_________________________________________________________________________________
Like it??
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Post by Sofie Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:19 am

I grinned at the plot idea.

Seems a little... Quick, or something, but I liike this. It sort of establishes the chatacters right away, which is a litttle unusual, but you could pull it off.
Good job^^


Last edited by Sofie on Wed Jul 02, 2008 2:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post by VampireYuuki Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:44 pm

Thank you thank you!!! I've been working on this for about three weeks now!!!
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Post by sweetkiss Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:35 pm

Very interesting.
I agree with Sofie, it was a little quick.
But I'm very interested in reading more =]
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Post by VampireYuuki Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:42 pm

Rei was in a predicament. Over the first month of school, his room mate had, one, trapped him against the wall several times only to dart away laughing at how red his face got, two, pecked him on the cheek playfully and grinned as Rei began shaking like a leaf, and three, began asking him one hundred times a day if he ever had a girlfriend in his life. Which always ended in a 'no.'

Rei currently was walking down the hallway leading outside with his backpack slung over his shoulder and Cain no where in sight. No Cain ment no harassment today. With a sigh of annoyance, Rei collapsed onto the edge of the fountain and slid his backpack on the ground beside him. "Tired, Rei-run?" Rei slumped over, arms hanging. Cain just smiled at him, sitting beside his friend with his arm around his shoulders. "It is a Friday. Are you going to go somewhere with your girlfriend?" Rei turned to him, growling. "I have never, nor ever will be, a boyfriend to any annoying female of any species," he rubbed his head. "'Rei-run?'" Cain's smile faded. "Then... what are you going to do?" Rei realized what he had just blabbed, his face flushing, "N-None of your business!" He bolted to his feet, grabbing his backpack and striding off twords the lounge. As soon as he had stood, his head began spinning. Cain noticed the waver in his step as he pushed countless students out of his way absentmindedly and ran after him. "Rei! Rei, wait a second!" Fighting to get away, Rei stomped forward until he broke his glasses hugging a tree for support. "M-My glasses..." As he slid to the ground and crumpled into a ball, Cain was at his side, holding him by scrawny shoulders. "Rei?! Rei, wake up!" Rei turned to him weakly, clinging to his warm waist. "Cain..." Cain swept him into his arms and blinked as he nuzzled his torso. "Rei, hang on!" He took off across campus twords the nurses office.
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Post by VampireYuuki Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:07 pm

Laying in a soft white bed in the nurses office, Rei opened his eyes and blinked up at a black figure hovering beside him. Rei lifted his hand before his eyes, blotting out the painful lights. "Ugh... Where am I...?" A warm hand engulfed his own and, as Rei's eyes adjusted, Cain's worried face appeared above him. "Rei? Hey," he felt his forehead. "You feeling alright?" Rei brought the hand against his cheek, holding it there with both of his own. "Warm..." Cain smiled, "Don't worry, you can have it." Rei blinked and released it, "Sorry, Cain." Cain stroaked the side of his face gently. "No, I don't blame you. You had quite a episode there. What happened?" Rei closed his eyes. "Nothing." Cain leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Not what the nurse told me." Rei's eyes flew open. "What did she tell you?" Cain handed him his cell phone, showing him the ICE section he had installed. ICE- Suffers from extreme expression. Has little handle on emotions. Rei slapped the phone shut and let his hand drop beside him. "She told you, didn't she?" Cain nodded. "She explained about your parents, too," he shook his head. "Why didn't you tell me?" Rei sat up and Cain caught his shoulders gently as he began to fall backwards. "I-I..." Cain slid in beside him, wrapping a protective arm about his shoulders. "What?" Rei leaned against his friend. "I don't know..." Cain held out a small red tablet and a glass of water. "Here. The nurse said this'll help you recover." Rei gritted his teeth. "I don't want it." Cain blinked. "What? Why?" Rei rubbed his head. "The reason I have this condition was from a morphine overdose," he scowled. "And it was my parents who gave it to me. I hate them." Cain hugged him close. "Lets talk about it back at the dorm."
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Post by Sofie Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:13 pm

Okay, I still think you're going a little fast with this. Things could be described more and get lengthy... I enjoy the story, so i want it to last a while Wink

That much action in one time can make things seem stressful and hard to keep up with- Maybe you should try a bit more description, so we get to know the characters' thoughts and feelings. Maybe go in and write out the events you mention instead of just listing them?

Now, I really liked the part about the ICE. But I think that gives even greater reason to describe to us exactly how Rei's feeling?
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Post by VampireYuuki Wed Jul 02, 2008 7:20 pm

*thinks real hard* Ok, I'll try.

_______________________________________________________________________________

The two boys passed the cafateria at noon, sunlight filtering through the windows linning the carpeted hallway. Rei swallowed the tablet reluctantly, Cain leading him down the corridor to their room. He shivered. "God, I hate doing that!" Cain made sure to stay in unison step with his friend, as he hadn't fully recovered yet, "Good! Now try not to do anything rash." Rei scowled, wiping his mouth with a pale hand. Thay passed a group of girls in the school uniforms giggling. "What do you mean by 'rash?'" Cain pulled him aside as an older boy ran passed and hugged him to his chest, making the teen's face go red. "Don't fall or try to run anywhere until your head heals." Rei squeezed his eyes shut. "L-Let me go, please!" Cain leaned down and whispered into his ear, sending warm shivers up his spine," Ah ah ah, now. Don't get all worked up. Here," he planted a warm kiss on his cheek and Rei sqeaked. "Feel any better?" What is he doing?! Rei slumped into his grasp. "C-Cain?" Cain swept him up in his arms. "Cute, innocent, little Rei." Rei curled into a ball and covered his face with his hands. "Cain!" Cain glided into their room and closed the door with his foot. "Alright then," he set an embarassed Rei down on his bed and sat beside him. "How do you feel?" Rei looked at him like he was nuts. "What did you do that for?!" Cain fiddled with a lock of Rei's hair. "No reason." Rei slapped his forehead, "What is the matter with you?! Those people probrably thought you were flirting with me-" Cain caught his hands and held them above his head. Rei gazed into his golden eyes in suprise. "You were...?" Cain grasped his hands in his own, letting their fingers merge as they lowered, smiling gently. Rei blinked. "Cain, what are you thinking?!" Cain leaned forward until his lips hovered centimeters in front of Rei's. "I'm not." Oh my god- Their lips met, softly and warmly pressing together. Rei wavered only breifly before pulling away and falling backwards on the bed, laying on his back on the comforter. Cain blinked several times, sliding up beside him and taking his hand to help him to sit up. "Are you alright?" Rei touched his lips with his fingers. Cain held the side of Rei's face in his hand, brushing his bangs with his thumb. "Rei?" Rei dropped his hands, staring at Cain. "We just...?" Cain leaned his forehead against Rei's. "Forgive me, I... I thought..." Rei shook his head quickly, dislodging his hand. "C-Cain, wait," he grabbed Cain's wrist as he bolted to his feet. "Wait!" Unsteadily, he rose to stand beside him. Cain wrapped his arms around Rei's waist as he began to fall. "Rei, please. I'm sor-" Rei closed the space left between them, cutting him off. Cain froze as they pulled apart and Rei hugged him. "Try a less embarassing approach next time, will you?"

_________________________________________________________________________________
ah ah ah! not finished yet!! Mr. Red
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Post by Dark Princess Wed Jul 02, 2008 7:41 pm

Love it!
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Post by Artemis F. Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:30 pm

O.o Wow. You are a yaoi fan.
Nothing bad, alright? We have young ones on this site.
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Post by Sofie Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:19 pm

Oh, by all means, be bad if you want to- Just put up a warning Wink
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Post by BuddingTeenNovelist Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:46 pm

Good.
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Post by VampireYuuki Thu Jul 03, 2008 5:51 pm

I couldn't thank any of you enough, but I'll try anyway!! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Glomp- Flying hug of fangirl-ness!!)______________________________________________________________________________

Rei was locking his locker at the end of the day when Cain tapped his shoulder. He turned, smiling at his boyfriend, "Hey, Cain! Whats up?" Cain began spinning in circles, "Lets go out for dinner tonight!" Rei rolled his eyes, grabbing his arm to stop him, "Sure. Where?" Cain knocked him off his feet with a glomp, lying on top of him with a grin, "Somewhere good! I'll pay!" Rei crossed his arms over his chest, on his back under his friend, "Cain?" "Yeah?" "Get off me." Cain slid off him and pulled him to his feet, grinning. "Sorry, Rei." Rei sighed and smiled. "No problem. Hey, you think you could keep flirting down to a minum out in the hallways? Someone might report us." Cain grasped his hand gently. "Any flirting they can't see is okay, right?" Rei blushed. "S-Sure, just nothing serious." Cain pushed him into a bathroom and shut the door before anyone saw them. "How about now?" Rei chuckled. "Back at the dorm, please." Pouting, Cain let him out and followed behind quietly. "Hey, what are doing for Halloween next week?" Rei shrugged. "Nothing, really. Sleep. The usual." Cain smiled down at the carpet. "Ok."
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Post by VampireYuuki Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:46 pm

[b][b]WARNING!! WARNING!! YAOI ALERT, YAOI ALERT!![/b][/b]


While Cain took a shower that night, Rei turned on his Blackberry and watched the news on vampires wandering around Barcelona. "Are these vampires friendly, or are they thirsty for our blood? Later, at eleven." Rei clicked his phone off and set it aside. "Vampires, preposterous." Cain came in with black shorts and his shirt slung over his arm, smiling when he caught sight of Rei in a sleeveless T-shirt and short grey shorts. "Hey, you look slimming!" Rei blushed, growling. "You look sexy tonight yourself!" Cain dropped his towel in the hamper and ran over to his bed, sliding in next to him. Rei pressed himself against the wall as Cain leaned over him. "Cain, are you not thinking again?" Cain slid in between his legs and kneeled, leaning his face close to Rei's neck. "Of course I am, you're just so cute!" Rei's blush turned pink, "Cain..." Cain licked his pulsing neck slowly, making warm shivers go up Rei's spine. Two short fangs slid down over Cain's bottom lip and his eyes began to glow red, Rei closing his eyes obliviously. Cain opened his mouth over the smooth curve in Rei's neck, but pulled back and shrunk back his fangs, eyes returning to normal. Rei opened one eye, then the other, and set both his hands on Cain's shaking shoulders. "Cain? What happened, Cain?" Cain was panting now, hands clenching the sheets below him. "I-I'm sorry, Rei, I just... froze." Rei blinked as he leaned his forehead down on his shoulder. Cain gritted his teeth. "I can't do this to you." Rei stroaked the back of Cain's neck, "Do what?" Cain lifted his head to look into Rei's eyes. "Your too innocent, I can't take that away from you!" Rei smiled. "Yes, you can," he pressed their faces together and french-kissed him, moving his tounge around Cain's. They kissed awhile before Cain pulled away. He sat back on the bed, leaning his elbows on his knees. "Rei, I don't want to hurt you!" Rei licked his lips temptingly, "So? It is what it is, no one comes out without at least a bruise or two. I'll live." Cain held his breath as Rei crawled up to him and crouched in his lap. "Cain." Cain slid one hand behind his neck. "Rei. You sure?" Rei ran his fingers through Cain's hair. "Positive."
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Post by Artemis F. Sat Jul 05, 2008 2:55 pm

O.O Whoa, I didn't need that mental image burned into my head!
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Post by Dark Princess Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:15 pm

I didn't need that sequence of images in mine but good update.
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Post by VampireYuuki Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:53 pm

*grins* Thankee!!
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Post by RitsukaofLoveless Sat Jul 26, 2008 6:15 pm

Cute.
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