Re: Tale of A Pale

by **HS7** Fri Nov 07, 2008 11:37 am

Interesting...

*thinks*

I wonder...

by **RitsukaofLoveless** Fri Nov 07, 2008 11:38 pm

Wonder what?

by **HS7** Sat Nov 08, 2008 12:00 am

Nothing of interest...

by **RitsukaofLoveless** Sat Nov 08, 2008 12:27 am

Pfft. Just wait.

by **HS7** Sat Nov 08, 2008 12:36 am

*rolls eyes*

Whatever. Just make sure I won't be bored. If I am bored reading the next thing or whatever, I'm blaming it on you.

by **AlphonseofFullMetalAlcham** Sat Nov 08, 2008 3:01 pm

Cool! Have you done alot of stories like this one?

by **RitsukaofLoveless** Mon Nov 10, 2008 12:07 pm

Yup. A whole bunch.

by **RitsukaofLoveless** Sat Nov 15, 2008 10:59 pm

I grip the strap to my backpack tightly, looking up at my new school with trembling knees. It's the first day of Brookmille High, and all my friends were at my old school. I'm all alone. The sun is hidden behind a thick blanket of dark grey clouds, the cold wind is blowing right through me, all the seniors are giving me dirty looks, yup, it's highschool. I walk up the steps to the double door and push it open with a hesitent hand. Only a handful of older kids are hanging around by the vending machines, which means I'm early. Again. My black VANS make a light thud thud thud against the linolium floors as I wander over to my locker. I punch in my combonation twice, making the lock pop, and my locker opens to a skinny empty space made of cold metal. Two juniors walk by laughing, making me whirl around. When they're out of sight I turn back to the aqua locker. Staring at it for a second, I adjust the door out of my way and slide two school books inside, rezipping my pack and slinging it back over my shoulder.
I close the locker slowly and jump as a person appears leaning against the lockers beside mine. My eyes brighten,
"Zen!"
Yup. There stands my red-eyes, bronze-haired, vampire boyfriend, in high-schooler clothes that made him look uber popular. And he was mine.
He flashed me a smile and wrapped his arms around me in a bear hug,
"Shawny boy! How's high school treatin' you?"
I clung to his waist, feeling happier then ever,
"Perfect, now that you're here!"
Zen held me at arm's length, studying me,
"Well! New clothes? Nice."
I laughed. These were the clothes I was wearing when we first met.
"Do we have all classes together?"
He grinned,
"All but one."
I blinked, confused,
"Which one?"
He stuck out his tounge and closed one eye,
"Biology. I can't stand the sight of something already dead."
I made a face with him, trying not to ruin this moment by complaining about forty minutes without him,
"I'm forced. How'd you get out of it?"
He glanced at the clock. The bell was about to ring for the students to gather in the cafeteria.
"I pursuaded them to beleive I already took it."
BBRRRIIINNNGGG!
Zen took my arm and lead me to the doors to the cafeteria, stopping me before I could open them,
"Wait."
I looked up at him,
"What is it?"
He leaned close to me, whispering into me ear,
"Some of these people are going to judge you on what you wear or what you say. But remember this. They're just as scared as you are that no one'll like them. Don't be scared of anybody, they're equally afraid of how you'll judge them as you are about how they judge you."
I slid my hand onto the back of his neck, warm against his stone cold skin,
"Thanks. Lets go get 'em."

by **RitsukaofLoveless** Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:24 pm

]
The day wasn't so bad, actually. First day of tenth grade and I already have a few friends to hang out with in my classes. A few goth kids welcomed me into their clique at lunch and in art, and there's this girl in seventh period who looks like she could need a friend. Plus, it's biology, so Zen isn't there with me.
The wind is howling outside when the bell rings for the end of last period. I glance out the wide wall window in the hallway before hurrying after the group of kids eager to get home after their first day.
There's a girl leaning up against the vending machine with her arms crossed across her chest. She's alone. Peering around at all the unfamiliar faces for a minute, I change my pace and stride over to wait for Zen.
As I break from the crowd, I get a better look at her. She's staring out the window above the stairs with sharp blueberry eyes, skin a light peach and hair black as midnight falling around her shoulders in a neat wave. Her shirt is tight and has blue and black stripes running vertical across her slim waist, the collar reaching up like a turtle-neck but the sleeves only reaching a few inches down her arms.
Her jeans are curiously tight, showing off skinny legs, and have a chain hanging from the belt loops. But it was the shoes that caught my attention. They were black converse with white butterflies on them. I guess she caught me staring because when she looked at me and I looked up, she looked annoyed.
All I could do was stutter, for her gaze was intense,
"I-I like your shoes."
She scowled bit, but not too much to be mean, and looked me up and down,
"Thanks, I guess. Where'd you come from?"
I hunched my shoulders, smiling shyly,
"Ah, around the corner and from biology. You?"
She laughed,
"Out of Forged By Fire. You're funny,"
my messenger bag caught her eye and her face lit up,
"Cool! Hot Topic?"
I nod, trying not to grin,
"Of course! They've got cool stuff there. Like those cool cut-off gloves. Hey, do you ride bus?"
She scrunched her nose,
"Yeah, but my house is only a few away blocks away. You?"
I shrug,
"My house is across town a bit, but I walk with a... uh... classmate."
He conclude. True enough, right?
The girl smiled, holding out a pale hand,
"Kiya."
I took the offered hand gently,
"Shawn."

by **Dark Princess** Wed Nov 26, 2008 1:19 am

(ok, either I need to figue out how to pose my thoughts better or I just need new words.)

Cool update.

by Sirch Hanom Thu May 28, 2009 5:02 am

*Scrunches eyebrows together and lifts jug of milk to lips*
*Sips quietly and replaces jug on desk*
*Is tired of using asterisks to show actions*

Vampire-romance stories make meh sad. Not empathetic sad, mind ye.
As I've ranted before, ya can't just throw vampires into a romance, or any story, and make it amazin'. You need to back it up with substance. THis is a love story, a romance fiction. Take away the undead-ness of this guy, and he loses all of his character, just another attractive guy who the heroine likes.
I'm tired. Tired o' stories that cash in on 'Twilight''s success. I'm bein' straight with ye, here. You may like the plot of a book, but if you want to write your own stories with it as your inspiration, you have to be imaginative; make up your own characters, problems to face, places, emotions. Be original, ya see? You can read a book, love it, and then write a story, but ya have to make it a different story than the book. You don't become a master painter in your own right by painting someone else's masterpiece.
Besides all that, your writing style is good. If you plan to write another story, I'll enjoy reading it, as long as you make it your own.
*Sits back in chair*

by **HS7** Thu May 28, 2009 12:30 pm

Sirch Hanom wrote:*Scrunches eyebrows together and lifts jug of milk to lips*
*Sips quietly and replaces jug on desk*
*Is tired of using asterisks to show actions*

Vampire-romance stories make meh sad. Not empathetic sad, mind ye.
As I've ranted before, ya can't just throw vampires into a romance, or any story, and make it amazin'. You need to back it up with substance. THis is a love story, a romance fiction. Take away the undead-ness of this guy, and he loses all of his character, just another attractive guy who the heroine likes.
I'm tired. Tired o' stories that cash in on 'Twilight''s success. I'm bein' straight with ye, here. You may like the plot of a book, but if you want to write your own stories with it as your inspiration, you have to be imaginative; make up your own characters, problems to face, places, emotions. Be original, ya see? You can read a book, love it, and then write a story, but ya have to make it a different story than the book. You don't become a master painter in your own right by painting someone else's masterpiece.
Besides all that, your writing style is good. If you plan to write another story, I'll enjoy reading it, as long as you make it your own.
*Sits back in chair*

I haven't really thought about that.

You surprise me, going so deep into this. We all just looked at this and saw "AMAZING VAMPIRE STORY" flash across our eyes.

Of course, he DID randomly get the idea, but didn't even realize what he got it from. He's usually one of those people who get and idea, and then have no idea what it is or where it's from.

You can't really blame him for making this seemingly similar to Twilight. He was just another person being bored and this just popped into their head.

You don't mind if I quote you somewhere else, do you? He isn't really allowed here, seeing as his laptop crashes every time it comes here.

by **RitsukaofLoveless** Fri May 29, 2009 1:15 am

The meaning was not more than a hopeless love story; meant to shine more life on the series Twilight, by highlighting my individuality to write as I loved when I started to when I finished, finishing off the meaninglessness to sed story. It was never meant to be finished, but idly twittered upon; practice makes the imperfect seem perfect in not-detailed eyes.
*tilts head, eyes blank behind heavy lids*
Writing is an art. Writers cannot learn; they must feel. Hatred. Longing. Pleasure. You must feel these things in your words, rather then think them. It helps to be fuled like a fire is fuled by gasoline and fire. You must flare, let yourself shine through; release your emotions. No one buys bottled up thoughts and dreams.

by Sirch Hanom Sat May 30, 2009 2:55 am

@ HS7: These ideas come from somewhere, all ideas do. When I write something, I think of a theme, and a bunch of things I've read and heard and said come together with a setting and message in a melting pot: THe story. I think Ritsuka went through that process, but left out most of his/her OWN experiences, own ideas, own devices, made it indistinguishable from Twilight's message, characters, basic plot. I want a story to be the melting pot, but the author's melting pot, not a cardboard cutout with different names stapled on.
You can quote me wherever ye want.
@ Ritsuka: Don't make this personal; I don't know you. I don't know how you feel about stories or life. I have a different philosophy.
If this story was a practice, my point remains valid in my eyes: I wanted you to think about where you get your ideas, what you're trying to say, and what makes a legitimate story. I felt like you were inspired by Twilight, but when you wrote something in that spirit, you didn't add anything. I felt like you didn't make anything new, just recycled a story. That's what I felt, what I thought.
When I make a comment, give feedback, I want you to think about what I said, remove your ego from it. I don't insult you by critcizing your writing. I am cynical. I see poetry as a way to express total emotion and to show others your thoughts and feelings. The poetry in your reply seems to dodge what I was trying to tell you and try to rationalize away my comments with poetic words, driving 'writing' into a world in which it cannot be criticized. Please don't shut me out.
I am cynical; when you say you cannot learn writing, I disagree. There's two parts of writing: THe feeling, and the writing. You may feel strongly about something, but you have to express it so that others can feel it too. How you express it is almost as important as what you feel, the way I think. Otherwise, a story turns out:
He killed her angrily.
Why was he angry? WHy did he kill her? There could be the most amazing motives, feelings, betrayals in your mind, but no one can see it. I see writing as a window into someone; you want to make the window flawless, so you can express all your feelings like you want them to. When you steal someone else's people, plot, problems, that window doesn't lead anywhere. It's just a frame, words on a page, even if you try to inject your own feelings INTO it. You've seen something, and tried to emulate it, but it's just not the real thing without you bringing your own changes, style, etc. I feel strongly about my philosophy, and I'm sorry if I seemed to insult YOU as a person.
*Sits back in chair. Closes eyes and frowns*
Too many goddang metaphors....

PS: to all Terry Pratchett fans, think of Death and his bedroom.

by **HS7** Sat May 30, 2009 2:57 am

I just got a headache from so much reading...Now I've learned reading too much is hazardous to your health. Especially when you gone from reading something big and spaced out to something smaller and closer together.

Okay then~!

Thank you~!

by **RitsukaofLoveless** Sat May 30, 2009 8:39 pm

*shrugs*

At least you responded without a temper. Most people would be cussing me out by now 'cause I never agree with them~

It's cool having somebody like you here and I'll come back for help the next time I write again. Thanks, Hanom.

by Sirch Hanom Sun May 31, 2009 8:00 am

Ye just made my night 96% better with that. Thank you, Ritsuka. I hope my shibaggen helps you in the future; it's what I aim for.

I will use my first smiley.
afro

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